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Wednesday, June 18, 2003

A few things:

1- If you live in the Philly area, particularly in Queen Village, please visit Jennifer Weiner's blog. Her dog Wendell was attacked on Monday night and she is trying to find the owner of the dog who bit Wendell. I have been asking around but no success so far. Let's hope they can find the guy and the dog!

2- I am totally loving the new season of the Real World. I love Mallory, I don't know why! I LOVE Simon! I feel like I have known many people like Leah. I am just enjoying it much more than I have enjoyed any season since New Orleans! Hooray!

3- Just 3 days until Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Although the movers are coming at 9:00 AM on Saturday, Michelle and I will be in line at Barnes and Noble on Friday to get our copy at midnight. We can't wait!

Monday, June 16, 2003

I have been having morning anxiety nearly every day. It is starting to make me a little loony!

There are very obvious causes that I can link the anxiety to: moving to a new apartment in 6 days, being in week 4 of a new job, anticipation of lowering my Paxil dose. I have done okay in terms of anxiety management. I have been able to get going each morning and get out of the house. Once I am walking to work, the anxiety is behind me and I am looking forward to the day. It is tough though to step into the shower each morning with the same sinking feeling in my tummy and a racing heartbeat.

I am so glad that I took the Fall to learn as much about anxiety as I did. I guess I did not have much choice. I was barely functioning day to day. The medicine and therapy were a necessity. But the Encourage Board and the reading I did (both in books and online) gave me long term tools that have been helping me on this shaky mornings. I can hardly believe I got through the intensity of attacks that I had in the Fall. It is only on looking back that I realize how rocky things were. There were days when I absolutely thought I was going crazy, losing my mind. I thought everyone on the street could see the insanity that was growing in me, the strangeness that was my emotions, the lack of control I had over my body, my emotions, my reactions.

I have not had an actual attack in a few months. I get anxious now and then- nearly every morning, and sometimes when I am completely overwhelmed- like when I am very sweaty or have just finished rushing in from somewhere. I know I need to take it slow and that my body can be unpredictable. It is frustrating sometimes though to have to think about these things.

I really feel that my anxiety allowed me to recognize my own needs in terms of making myself feel safe and comfortable. I know now that I can not stay inside my apartment to feel safe. I do allow myself though to do things that make me feel good. I take baths often- less often than I did before but still at least once a week. I read nearly every day (currently I am reading The Dive from Clausen's Pier and am in love with the characters, the view into the main character's thoughts and emotions). And I knit. I have been knitting alot. I am working on two baby afgans for friends due in July. The repetitive nature of knitting is bliss for me. It requires just enough concentration that I can't worry when I am knitting. It is also simple enough that I can watch tv, a movie or listen to music and really enjoy it while keeping my hands busy. I love it!

I am off to knit and watch Forrest Gump.

Sunday, June 01, 2003

So sorry for not blogging in so long. Things have been totally crazy.

If you read Michelle's blog, then you know about our little Lulu. It was incredibly difficult and sad to say goodbye to her but we know we did the right thing. I am desperate to get a kitty but we need to wait until we move to our new apartment. I am not trying to replace Lulu, it is just so lonely in our apartment without a little being running to the door every time we come home.

In happier news, I started my new job on Tuesday. So far, so good. I like the work, I like my coworkers. I love the idea that I am going to be helping people. I am planning academic and life skills workshops, and doing academic advising for first generation and low income college students. So far everything is going well.

I have been knitting like a maniac and loving it. I finished a baby blanket and hat for one of the doctoral students at Penn. I can't wait to see the baby. Her name is Katherine and I have seen her picture- gorgeous! I am working on another blanket for a former coworker whose baby is due in July. I have also made two dress scarves from Eros ribbon yarn- one for Michelle and one for Michelle's mom. They both loved them. Michelle's mom and dad gave me some money for my birthday which was 2 weeks ago, so we went to the yarn store today. I got yarn to make myself a tank top that is featured in a yarn book that Michelle bought me for my birthday. I am so excited. Poor Michelle has spent the past two hours trying to untangle yarn that I somehow got all knotted! She is a saint.

Off to work on my tank top before we have a late dinner. Am addicted to repeats of the Real World in anticipation of the new season starting this week. I am really hoping they show the New Orleans season tonight.

Bye!

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