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Friday, November 28, 2003

Friday Five 

1. Do you like to shop? Why or why not?
I like to shop alone. I hate shopping with other people because I always feel bored by their shopping or like I have to rush my own.

2. What was the last thing you purchased?
Yarn for a project for a coworker's niece. I am making her the Ann Norling strawberry fruit cap.

3. Do you prefer shopping online or at an actual store? Why?
I prefer to shop online but I hate to pay for shipping. Sometimes I get overwhelmed in stores- anxiety, you know.

4. Did you get an allowance as a child? How much was it?
I did not get an allowance. My dad used to say he "allowed" us to live in his house! Silly man. In high school, I got $20 a week for my $9 pack of tokens and for lunch, snacks, etc.

5. What was the last thing you regret purchasing?
I can't think of anything. Food maybe. I regret spending so much on my lunch hours and on non-fat decaf vanilla lattes.

Happy shopping!

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

1.2 pounds 

That's what I lost this week. Not too shabby considering that I ate about 50 flex points instead of the allotted 35! Imagine what I could lose if I actually followed the program! Just got back from my weigh in and meeting. Michelle and I have a friend who has lost a bunch of weight on WW over the past year but only goes for weigh ins- no meetings. Personally, I like the meetings. I like hearing other people's highs and lows, questions, concerns and solutions. While I enjoy my alone time, I really value other people's experiences. Also, I'm a nosy bitch and love to listen to people talk and complain and celebrate and whine. I just like to people watch!

I am listening to Charlotte Church and Josh Groban's version of The Prayer. When I was not working last Spring, I used to listen to this song LOUDLY daily when I was home alone during the day. I am very rarely home alone now. Michelle worked later than usual tonight though so I am blaring this gorgeous song and blogging away. I know my neighbors can hear me singing along (badly, by the way) but I don't care. I hear the guy across the hall listening to show tunes, opera, or playing showtunes and singing along with his piano almost daily. The guy next door was blasting Billy Ocean's "There'll Be Sad Songs (To make you cry)" last weekend. Michelle and I almost peed ourselves laughing in the hallway! Anyway, there are worse things!

Read this hysterical article about guys, singing, and some of my favorite guilty pleasure songs. It will make you smile!

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

The problem with teaching yourself to knit... 

The trouble with teaching yourself to knit is that you make dumb mistakes. I am not saying that people who take classes don't make mistakes too but I think I make more than the average gal. I am working on a present for my nephew- forget the vagueness even though his mother reads this blog- it's a sweater. In fact, it's the ChildHood sweater from Knitty without the hood. (Cathy, don't you dare click on that link! Let's keep some things a surprise!) The picture of the sweater is girly. Imagine it in an appropriate color for an almost 2 year old boy. He is going to be the most handsome boy in town. Did I mention that my sister entered him in a contest at her local mall and he WON! That's right- most beautiful baby!

Anyway, back to the sweater. The pieces have been knitted and blocked. The button bands have been knitted and attached. Last night I started picking up stitches for the neckband. Guess what? I don't know how to pick up stitches for a neckband! I thought I did, but I didn't. It looked all holey and yucky. For starters, I was picking up the edge stitch rather than one in from the edge. Secondly, what I was calling "picking up" was not actually picking up. So tonight, I will be taking out the ugly stitches that I "picked up" last night and starting over. I thought I had ruined this sweater last night. I wanted to cry. I read knitting blogs everyday and so many times I have read things like "People ruin a sweater with sloppy finishing." Even though I am a beginner knitter, I take pride in my projects and would have been so sad if this piece that I have been working on for weeks was suddenly really stupid and homemade looking- rather than sweet and handmade looking. See the difference?

I did my online research though and I think I know what I need to do. If not, I'll keep searching tonight until I find an illustrated website that shows me exactly what to do. Then, I will pick up stitches while sitting in front of the computer. I really need the Vogue Knitting book or some other books that covers basics thoroughly.

I learn something new everyday!

Monday, November 24, 2003

Back to our regularly scheduled programming... 

I did have a blogging plan when I signed online earlier today. I just got side tracked by the news about Gene Anthony Ray.

Knitting news! I bet you thought I had stopped knitting! I just have been keeping quiet because I am working on lots of holiday gift knitting. I am making mittens galore for all the little ones in my life- 5 pairs of froggy mittens! Two pairs down. Two pairs started. Not too shabby. I can knock a mitten out in an hour or two if I sit down and pay attention. Michelle will sew the googly eyes on for me! So fun.

Two other knitted gifts that I planned are complete. Michelle has completed one and has one nearly complete. I have blocked the pieces of one and it is in the finishing stages. I wish I could say more but both of my sisters read this blog and I like keeping my family gifts a secret, even the ones that are not for either of them. Heeheehee!


Could we be magic like you? 

Sad news today.

Gene Anthony Ray (Leroy) from Fame died this weekend from complications from a stroke. He also had AIDS.

When I was a little girl, my sister Cathy and I spent tons of time listening to records. My parents have TONS of records- in alphabetical order ranging from Lenny and the Squigtones to Queen to the soundtrack from Godspell to Bruce Springsteen and Madonna. One of our favorites as little girls was the Kids from Fame album. My Aunt Terry actually had this on video at one point. The songs from this album are a part of me. After I saw the movie O a few years ago, I went home and downloaded the song Desdemona from the Kids from Fame. I know the story of Othello from Fame!

On the day my nephew Joshua was born, my sister Cathy sang to him- all day long! (She knew by the time that he was 3 days old that when he was really fussy, the rythym of the Turtles So Happy Together would settle him down!) One of the first songs Cathy sang to Joshie was Could We Be Magic Like You from the Kids from Fame album...

Welcome, what's it like to be so new?
A thirst for your company, a fresh point of view
If only you could say what's on your mind
What would you talk about?
What would we find in your eyes?

Could you teach us how to laugh when the blocks fall down?
Could you show us how to cry with the lonely clown?
Could we ever wonder why snow falls from the sky?
Could We Be Magic Like You

Warm blankets, a sudden hush
The shock of a flashbulb, a woman's touch
What do you feel?

Could you teach us how to laugh when the blocks fall down?
Could you show us how to cry with the lonely clown?
Could we ever wonder why snow falls from the sky?
Could We Be Magic Like You


Let's take a moment to remember today that people die everyday from complications relating to AIDS. There is no cure.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Friday Five 

1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.
* Lose 10 lbs.
* Gain some confidence in my writing. Actually write!
* Get my office files in order.
* Enjoy the holidays!
* Have some fun.

2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.
* My friend Michelle from high school
* Our friend Melissa who we have not seen in 6 months
* My friend and mentor Chris who I have not seen in nearly 2 years
* My classmate Carmela from College- she still has my Oscar Wilde book and I want it back. I don't even know if she realizes she has it but about 4 times a year, I get really annoyed that I lost that book!
* God. I need to get my butt to Church!

3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do.
* Play the guitar
* Make pottery
* Ballroom dance
* Lace knitting
* Speak French (I don't remember much from high school)

4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).
* Buy a house
* Pay off my debt and that of my siblings, parents and in-laws. Pay for my sisters, brothers, and nephew to go to school.
* Buy my Dad a boat
* Tell Michelle to quit her job and be a full time partner and artist
* Go to Europe

5. List five things you do that help you relax.
* Read
* Knit
* Take a bath
* Nap
* Listen to music

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Flex Points 

Last night I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting in nearly two years. I am not at my heaviest ever- I am four lbs lower than I was when I started WW in January 2002. I am 11 lbs heavier than I was when I stopped going to WW in April 2002. I need to lose about 25 lbs. ARGH!

I got all the new Flex Points info. I know what my points target is. I am working on my Quick Track (or whatever bizarre way they spell it!) which is the new version of the journal. I have 10 points left for dinner, plus flex points which I can use at any point in the week.

Goal- WW initial goal is always set at 10%. My personal initial mini-goal though is 10 lbs by Christmas. It is both attainable and ambitious (to use the language from the grant I work for). It is physically possible for me to lose 10 lbs by Christmas- 5 weeks away. It is also ambitious though- it is not easy to lose 2lbs per week. I am not setting myself up for disappointment though. Even if I only lose an average of 1 lb per week between now and then, I'll be happy. I just need to lose some weight. I hate how my clothes fit. I hate how I feel. Yuck.

We have friends coming over for pizza and Must See TV. I am off. Not so interesting today, huh. Sorry.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Update on no reading week... 

The short version...I quit.

The long version...I decided yesterday that no reading week is making me miserable. I see the value of it and recognize why it may work for some people. I certainly am in the population of folks Cameron writes about in the Artist's Way when she says (and I am paraphrasing from memory here) that some people use words as medicine or a drug. Think of it as fast food- if you eat too much of it, it clogs you. Cameron says that many creative people numb themselves with words and then do not leave open room, space, brain cells for writing and other creative outlets. She says that eventually, in the time you would have spent reading, first you will get work done, but eventually you will have to fill that time with play.

My issue is that I tend to read to get me through the day at work. When I need a quick break, I skim my email or check in with two or three blogs, or read the news headlines, or see what Dear Abby has to say today. Nothing "abusive" of my employers connectivity of course, but just a few minutes of re-charge while moving from one task to another. I have to challenge Cameron here...I am not going to take my 10 minutes of Dear Abby time and write a poem. It is just not going to happen!

Sure, I could skip the quick re-charge break and just work straight through. I could also work myself into a panicked, agoraphobia stupor. So yesterday, I started reading to get me through the day. Just a few things- Michelle's blog, my email, some messages on the Artist's Way board. Today, my sister's blog, some news stories, and two of my favorite knitting blogs- Wendy and Pioneer Melissa.

I am not reading novels. I am doing my best to stay away from magazines although I read the letters to the editor in the new Oprah yesterday. I am not checking email or blogs in the mornings before work or in the evenings after work. I did read a chapter of Order of the Phoenix to Michelle last night. I was on tv overload and needed a break.

I am having a terrible time trying to write. It does not have anything to do with the amount I am reading. It has to do with perfectionism, my biggest, nastiest goblin. What I am writing is simply not good enough. And if it is not good enough, I am not going to bother. I know that this is a stinky attitude and I am trying to write through it in my morning pages but I can not bring myself to write. NaNoWriMo is too much, too big to deal with. I am overwhelmed. I need to start smaller. Maybe with the Autobiography Kit I bought a few years ago. Maybe blogging more often. Maybe journaling more than only the morning pages.

I know I have work to do. Send good thoughts!

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

I cheated... 

Okay, so it was only a little cheating. I visited my own blog just to remember what reading blogs feels like. I checked my stats and realized that someone found me by googling "lesbian agoraphobic blog" so I googled myself. I was on page 2. Not too shabby.

I checked my email- I deleted the spam. I read the weekly pep talk from NaNoWriMo- and trust me, I needed it. I did not write much during lunch yesterday because the goblins in my head were being mean. They were whispering things like:

"This story stinks."
"Your writing is so boring."
"No one will actually want to read this."
"You are so unoriginal."
"You are creating characters you do not know enough about. You can't make a character have a disability that you are not an expert about!"

To the goblins I say this: "I am glad you are here...for me to poop on!"

Thank you Triumph the Insult Dog for that very mature insult.

When I was doing my morning pages this morning, I realized that I let the goblins win yesterday. I had even emailed Michelle and told her that I was giving up on NaNoWriMo- It's too hard and I am way behind.

Well today, I am going to write. Even if I am starting with too many characters, even if I don't know enough about the characters I am creating. That's what research is for! I have a BA in English Lit from a liberal arts college. I think I can manage some research. Sure it might cut in on my no reading week, but isn't no reading week about creativity anyway.

Thanks for cheering me on, even if I can't read your cheers!

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Retreat 

Michelle and I are on a retreat weekend. We have not defined exactly what that means but we went out to lunch today and then spent 4 hours on the couch knitting and watching tv shows that Michelle taped this week. I think it mostly means that we won't do anything we don't feel like doing. We'll see. We really should go food shopping tomorrow. Neither of us ever feels like doing that.

I want to take some time tonight to work on my NaNoWriMo project. I have spent no time on it in nearly two weeks. My word count is a measly 1500 words with only 15 days to go. Absurd to think that I can make my goal- except that it is no reading week for me starting tomorrow. I am enjoying The Artist's Way but am nervous. My no reading week means no books other than Artist's Way, blogs, email lists, non-work emails, magazines, news stories online, or mail. I actually am not even planning on signing on the internet this week. I have no idea how I am going to manage. I am going to find out the weather on tv each morning. I don't need to go on the web at work. I may sign on to blog this week but I doubt it. It is too much of a temptation. If I sign on. I will be reading headlines on my homepage, which will tempt me to cheat. I just don't think I can resist.

I will be reading work emails, directions for the big report I am working on, the text of the report I am working on, and knitting patterns.

So, consider this my last post until next Sunday, November 23. Hopefully that will mean lots of writing, including during my lunch hour. By the way, I need to go to a book store tomorrow to get a new journal. How I am going to go to a bookstore and not read anything...beats me. I'll go to the journal section, select one that speaks to me, and then leave. No browsing. I should have gone today. I am kicking myself now!

Bye!

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Hello from Lake Harmony 

Just a quick post from Lake Harmony, PA. I am at the Conference. Unfortunately, the sessions have been very disappointing. It is a small state conference, less than 100 people, but even as a very young professional, I have been disppointed by the offerings. I can't imagine how the seasoned folks must feel.

I am at a pay for service internet kiosk and I have no idea if I will actually be able to post this before my time runs out. Evidently, you can't add money after you have started surfing the web. I pput in three dollars for 15 minutes. I think I have about 5minutes left. The issue is that the keyboard is not standard. I keep making mistakes but fixing them is taking more time than typing. They are ripping me off big time. My boss has her laptop and spent an hour trying to dial up yesterday to no avail. Such is life in the Poconos.

The Awards banquet is tonight. One of our students is receiving a scholarship. I hope he is able to get here safely. It is snowing and I am afraid it is going to start landing.

I am off to squeeze in some knitting before the banquet. I'll be home tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Just a quickie before I go... 

I am leaving for a conference for work until Friday in 30 minutes. I would like to be able to say that it will be a break from work but it won't be. I am taking work with me and may have to work this weekend if there is not enough time to get things done while I am away. What a job! All of this insanity will be over before Thanksgiving so I am just hanging on until then. I requested the Monday after Thanksgiving off as well so I will have 5 days after this report is submitted to just enjoy the holiday, spend time with family, and start decorating for Christmas. I will be so happy to have that time of peace.

My anxiety is still running my body. I am trying not to let it but such is life at this time. I am taking xanax as needed, knitting and reading and trying to write, even if it is only morning pages. I am not getting the down time I need to relax my heart, my soul, my brain and my nerves. When I neglect care of these parts of me, my body inevitably refuses to cooperate. The sweating, trouble breathing and panic swoop in. I hope I will feel some internal peace while I am in the Poconos this week. I am hoping to spend some time outside, walking and enjoying nature.

I will be back on Friday and will be blogging away. Next week is week 4 on the Artist's Way journey for me. NO READING week! It is going to be such a challenge. I am going to read the chapter while I am away this week to start prepping myself. I will probably continue to blog next week but only if I can control myself from visiting other blogs!

TTFN.

Friday, November 07, 2003

I dropped my basket.  

I dropped my basket last night. For those of you who have read The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, you know this is bad news. For those of you who have not, here's the briefest of explanations. Vivi, the central and terrifically flawed character in Rebecca Wells' two YaYa novels, had a breakdown of sorts when her children were young. She was abusing medication, she was in a cycle of religious fanatacism and eventually beats her children. As her children grow up, they have only sketchy memories of this period in their lives, the time in their life when their mom went away for a few weeks and missed Easter. Vivi, her husband Shep, and her best friends, the YaYas describe Vivi's breakdown as the time when Vivi dropped her basket.

I dropped my basket last night. The adrenaline that has been carrying me through my days ran out. I had the worst panic attack I can remember in probably close to a year. (I know I had a bad one about 6 weeks ago but remember the bad alcohol/ medicine reaction. Most of that night is not in my memory.)

I woke up this morning with swollen eyes and red dots under my eyes- capillaries, blood vessels. I don't know what to call them but I cried so hard and had such a hard time breathing while in my panic that they popped out all under my eyes. I put make up on this morning before even checking the weather. I could not stand looking at myself that way, let alone someone else, even Michelle, seeing how badly I looked.

I was able to hold it together for the most part in work this morning. A few tears snuck out in front of one coworker. Before 10:00, I just could not get a sentence out without tears coming too so I just did not speak to anyone. It was not easy.

I am so tired. I have been working virtually nonstop for three weeks. I have to work tomorrow. I need to do work tonight that I brought home to prepare for tomorrow. I don't know how I can keep going like this for another three weeks. It is not going to slow down until after Thanksgiving. December should be a quiet month for me. I sure hope so. I will not deal with this lack of work/life balance during the magic that surrounds me in December.

Michelle reminded me last night of the magic that we live in throughout December. We have been lucky over the past five years to have one magical December after another. I want that again this month. I need it.

The unavoidable discussion that happens each time my anxiety hits like it did last night happened again. I cried for the loss of my Lulu and I wished for a feline friend. I can only explain my preoccupation in this way:

Last September, I dropped my basket in a big way. I stopped going to work. I panicked every day. I acknowledged that I needed professional help and medication on the day after Labor Day, September 3. The day before, Michelle and I saw a mouse on our counter top eating leftover birthday cake. We had been having trouble with mice- we had only been in that apartment for about 2 months. The mouse on the counter was the breaking point. Michelle agreed to get a cat. On Saturday September 7 Michelle, my Mom, and my sister Angie took me a few places to get a kitten but there were none. So weird during kitten season but we just could not find one at any shelters we went to. Michelle and my Mom kept looking at my as though I was broken. They apologized to me and knew that the thought of getting a kitten had been getting me through the week. I was having major trouble adjusting to the Paxil and Xanax (about 6x the amount of xanax I would ever consider taking now even on the worst days!). I was sleeping alot and during my waking hours, I was panicking. No kitty.

I went to work on Monday- probably 1 of 2 days I worked that week. I was on my way to having to take Family and Medical Leave- eating through my paid vacation and sick time in record speed. Michelle called me and said that a pet supply store that hosted SPCA animals had two female kittens. She and her Dad went to get them. I practically danced through the office- telling everyone that I was getting a kitten. I can not tell you how happy I was when Michelle brought that tiny black baby girl home. When I think now of how tiny she was, I can hardly believe it.

Lulu sat with me while I read my anxiety books and wrote in my journal- in the middle of week day afternoons when I should have been working. She napped on the couch with me when my medicine made me glassy eyed and drowsy. She sat on the edge of the bath tub and batted at the bubbles when I was so anxious and depressed that I tried to soak my pain away in the bath every single day.

I associate feeling better after panic with Lulu. She was my friend. She was at home with me when I was afraid to leave the house. She snuggled with me when I thought I was going crazy and everyone must be able to see it. She never judged it and if she did, she never let me know.

Michelle is late coming home from work and the completely delude, fantasy world part of me is sitting here, typing through my tears, and wishing she was at Morris Animal Refuge right now, getting me a kitten.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

80.5! Not too shabby! 




Michelle and I would have done better except for some typos and spelling errors!

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Work Nightmares 

What a week and it is only Tuesday!

Work is so overwhelming. I have no idea how I made it through the past two days without panicking. All I can do is thank God for the strength to get through it and ask for the grace to get through the next three days.

Tomorrow our new honor society members will be inducted. On Friday, the first draft of the annaul report for the grant that pays me and funds services for the students is due. I worked from 8-6:30 today, no lunch. I ate, but at my desk. When I got home, I worked some more. Tomorrow I will work from 8-8. Thursday is usually my early day- I leave at 3:30. Friday, I was scheduled to work until 12:30. I will be working until at least 5 on both days. Argh!

Good news is that I seem to be managing okay on just the Lexapro. Today is day two with no Paxil and so far, I am hanging in there. I don't know how, but I am.

There are so many things that need doing...mailing a package to my friend Heidi in Denmark. People from the anxiety board sent packages from all over the world. I was supposed to mail this package three weeks ago and it is still in my living room. That is the most visible of the neglected projects.

All I can do is pray for strength to get through it. Lord help me!

Monday, November 03, 2003

Blog thoughts 

I have added a few new links under the Knitting Blogs. Thoughts:

I have been reading Lazy River Ramblings for months. I love a good lesbian blog.

Check out Maggi's Stitches even if you are not a knitter. Why? Because this woman is mother to one of the most adorable children I have ever seen. Caroline is on the sidebar in her Knitty hat. And if you check it out today, you can see Caroline in her Halloween pumpkin costume. Don't you just want to eat her up! I check out this blog merely for pictures of the little one. Of course the reading and knitting are great to, but I am in such a baby phase that photos of cutie patooties kill me!

Note on a favorite that has been on the list for awhile:
Every time I open the link to One More Row and Another Latte, I sing the title to the tune of Kathy Mattea's Eighteen Wheels and A Dozen Roses. Crazy.

Saturday, November 01, 2003

Just a short one... 

Michelle and I went out to dinner tonight and I had a glass of white wine. Not the best idea. I have a headache and my eyes are a little funny. I am not supposed to be drinking on my medicine regularly, but certainly not when I am on low doses of two medicines!

Went to the Henri David Halloween Ball last night. Unfortunately my anxiety got the better of me. I panicked after about 2 hours and we left. Michelle and Michael were okay with leaving though. We had seen some really crazy costumes and had done a fair amount of pointing and laughing. We came back to our apartment and ordered chicken fingers and cheese fries. We watched an episode of Friends on DVD and I fell asleep. Such a party animal.

I knitted my first mitten tonight- it is a little one. I think everyone I know under the age of 5 will be getting these for Christmas. They are the frog mittens from the Holiday issue of Family Circle Easy Knitting. I finished one in under 2 hours including swatching time. Pretty good. I worked on it while watching one of our Netflix- Songcatcher, which I have been wanting to see for a few years. It was a simple movie and the perfect choice for the quiet day Michelle and I have had tonight.

Off to listen to the new Barenaked Ladies CD. We are going to the concert at the Tower Theater next Saturday. So fun!

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