Rainbow Chills

Michelle is sick. She started feeling badly on the 26th and she has progressively been feeling worse. She is sleeping on the couch, watching The West Wing on DVD. We have watched the entire season 5 of Friends on DVD and are into the second side of the first West Wing disk. It has been a relaxing holiday season!

We were planning on staying home tonight so no loss there. I went to DiBruno Bros. in Rittenhouse Square and got ravioli for dinner tonight, mozzarella balls, roasted peppers, and some good Italian bread. We'll be ringing in 2004 quietly, watching Dick Clark and the MTV special, in our pjs, and I'll be knitting.

A few holiday knits pics for you to enjoy:

The most gifted knit this season- the Booga Bag! This is my sister Cathy at her house on Christmas:


My sister Angie with her eyelash scarf which I made months ago! She loved it.


Regia socks for my friend Suzette who has tiny feet!


Happy New Year to each of you! May it be flu-free!

FYI

The free image hosting service I use Village Photos is doing maintenance. They have shut down linking for all users of their free service. So, my pictures and buttons are missing but hopefully they will be back up soon. Just wanted to let you know that it is not your browser.

This little gal was my gift from my nephew and godson Joshua. Aren't they both adorable!



Christmas was really great. Michelle and I had a great morning. I got the KnitOne bag that all the magazines have featured- in vanilla color. I got a few books, knitting and otherwise- Knitting Without Tears by Elizabeth Zimmerman, Bel Canto by Ann Patchett, The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger, and a book of Rilke's poetry. A Joni Mitchell cd, Friends season 5 on dvd- the best season! Plus lots more.

Mass on Christmas Eve was wonderful. My sister Angie sang and did a beautiful job! The homily was short and sweet. The kids were loud but really fun.

So far the holiday has been great!

Today, Reading Terminal Market, a little shopping at the post holiday sales, and dinner with Michelle's parents.

I need to get in the shower. My Mom will be picking us up for Mass in a little over an hour. This Children's Mass on Christmas Eve is my favorite of the year, followed closely by Mass on Holy Thursday and Easter Sunday. At 4:15 the 3rd and 4th graders will sing carols from the Altar. At 5:00, my Mom will sing while the 1st graders, in costume from their pageant will process up the center aisle until they make a little tableau of the Holy Family and other Nativity scene folks. Around 5:20, Father will start the homily by inviting any kids under the age of 7 to come sit on the altar. Mass will be a zoo. People will be dressed inappropriately. It will be loud. Teenagers will receive communion while giggling at the girls and boys behind them. It is a mess, but I love it!

I had a busy morning/ early afternoon. I went to confession, bought lights for the tree- the bottom of the tree was out, and went to my Weight Watchers weigh in. I somehow managed to lose a half pound this week. 4 lbs in 5 weeks- not too shabby considering that we are talking about Thanksgiving through Christmas.

I hope that your holiday is wonderful, that you celebrate the joy that one baby's birth brought to this world. Each year, the commemoration of that holy birth brings people together, with family and friends, to enjoy each other. Blessings to you and yours on this holy and happy day.

My sister Cathy and I are inextricably linked in many ways, but most obviously in our holiday memories.

Today, my post is titled the same as hers.

This line is from the hysterically funny made for tv special, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, based on the book of the same name and featuring Fairuza Balk and Hot Lips from MASH. The local trash family, the Herdman's get cast by Hot Lips as all the main roles in the annual Church Christmas pageant. Imogene as Mary, Gladys as the Angel of the Lord, and a whole mess of brothers as Joseph and the Wise Men- disaster, and eventually, success ensues.

"It's almost Christmas, Charlie" became code between Cathy and I to mean- you are bugging the crap out of me by repeating something that someone else just said so shut up! I almost snarfed water out of my nose when I read it this morning. I want to watch that movie now!

40 minutes until I leave work until January 5th!
Smiles all around!

Hey kids!

Only three more sleeps til Christmas. Gifts are bought and wrapped. Cards are made and mailed. I have a few stocking stuffers to buy and family cards to sign but other than that, I am just about ready. Michelle and I will begin baking cookies tonight. Yum!

Laura and Vinnie's wedding was beautiful and fun. It was great to see the Rosies- Michelle's friends from college and their husbands. Petite Rosie #1 is due in March. So fun!

I am in work- just today and tomorrow and then I am off until January 5th! Can't ask for more than that! We had a holiday breakfast/ staff meeting this morning. Got a bunch of cards from my coworkers and a gift card for Target from my boss- sweet!

I am in a knitting slump. I really want to be knitting but I am not thrilled about anything I have. I am working on Michelle's DNA scarf but I just want it to be done. I quit after two pairs of froggy mittens- they will be gifts for my cousin Julie's girls, Cassidy and Gracie. I have the foot and toe of a sock to finish for our friend Suzette. I am just not thrilled about anything I am working on. I want to make a bucket hat from BonneMarie's pattern- a red one to match my red cashmere gloves. Maybe after Christmas.

I am in a bad mood today. I know that I am in control of my own attitude. I want to turn my frown upside down but I also am mad and feel like I have a right to stay this way.

It is pouring rain here and has been all day. I am wearing a skirt. I hate wet tights and that is what I have been wearing all day!

Work has been crazy today and I have gotten annoyed too many times to count.

I can picture my evening. I walk in the door, wet. I kiss Michelle, take off my coat, and start crying. I can feel it. I know my body. My emotions have been crazy all day. I know my anxiety is high. I am listening to holiday music. I had a nice lunch with Michael today- the last one for probably a very long time. Despite these efforts to raise my spirits, I am angry, and anxious, and knitty, and tired, and tired.

On a good note, I weighed in this morning and lost a pound. I celebrated by eating chicken fingers for lunch. So much for that.

I got to spend some time with my nephew Joshua this weekend.

Two pictures from our time together:

Joshua and my brother Bobby



Joshua and my friend Ann's daughter Kyla



It was fun to hang out with Joshua but, boy, is he a handful.

On a knitting note, I went to Sophie's tonight for Debbie Stoller's signing of Stitch n Bitch. I bought the book- it is a really cute book with some fun patterns. There are definitely a few patterns that are far too trendy/ just plain old weird for me- a knitted bikini- no thanks! But I like the hooded sweater and the shape of two other sweaters, if not the detail in those patterns. Definitely worth $14.

I have absolutely zero discipline.

I am on weight watchers- but I eat chicken fingers and fries at least twice a week for lunch. Even on days when I am determined not to. Like today.

It is 2 weeks before Christmas. I have presents to buy. Michelle and I are not independently wealthy. But I am going to Sophie's tonight for the book signing by Debbie Stoller for her book Stitch 'n Bitch. Mostly I am going because some folks from Philly Knitters are going to be there and I have been wanting to meet them for months. I really want to go to an SnB but I just keep cancelling! Such is life for a girl with anxiety disorder. I am used to being at Sophie's though and it is neutral territory- not someone's house as the SnBs are.

Anyway, I have no self control.

By the way, I am writing this at work. Did I mention that I have no self-control.

I adapted the pattern from the froggy mittens I have been making (from the Holiday issue of Family Circle Easy Knits) to make strawberry mittens to match an Ann Norling strawberry hat I made for a coworker's niece.

This is the first real adaptation of a pattern I have done. I am a directions kind of girl. I have no problem substituting yarn in a pattern. I knit very tightly so I always use needles about three sizes larger than a pattern calls for. But other than those things, I follow directions. It was bold for me to adjust the cuffs of these- the first 5 rows in stockinette so they will roll like the hat's brim, and then another 5 rows in k1p1 ribbing.

Also, I used double pointed needles. One thing I do not like about the froggy pattern is that the mittens are knitted flat and then seamed. It does not make any sense to me! Why would you flat knit something that is circular? I have not read Elizabeth Zimmerman's Knitting Without Tears (it's on my Christmas list) but I subscribe to her philosophy- why would you ever knit something flat and then do finishing if you do not have to! I love circulars!

So without further ado, here they are!

1. Do you enjoy the cold weather and snow for the holidays?

Yes, I can't imagine living somewhere that had mild weather in the winter. I like it to be cold and, ideally, snowy for Christmas.

2. What is your ideal holiday celebration? How, where, with whom would you celebrate to make things perfect?

Christmas Eve- 5:00 Mass with my family. Seafood dinner with Michelle's family. A few hours of quiet with Michelle before going to sleep.

Christmas Day- some quiet time in the morning- just me and Michelle. Some time with Michelle's family. Some time with my family. The perfect holiday would mean my Gram and Pop were still alive. I miss them so much.

3. Do you do have any holiday traditions?

I have too many holiday traditions to list. New pajamas on Christmas Eve. Making lots of cookies to give as gifts. Going to Children's Mass with my family on Christmas Eve. These are just a few.

4. Do you do anything to help the needy?

This year, the Honor Society that I advise is doing a food and personal care items drive for a women and children's shelter. I will be contributing to that drive, as well as coordinating the students' efforts.

For 8 years, I participated in an Operation Santa Claus project. On Christmas Eve, after Mass, we delivered toys to needy families in our Church parish, complete with a Santa Claus to carry a bag of toys. The feeling of thankfulness when I walked into my own warm, decorated home after hours of being in homes with little light, and sometimes no power, was intense. It was an amazing experience during my high school and college years.

5. What one gift would you like for yourself?
Abstract, a peaceful holiday with family cheer. Michelle and I are a little nervous about how cheerful the holiday will be. Her Mom is ill and not much in the Christmas spirit which has been tough for us.
Concrete, knitting stuff. Books, bags, yarn, needles, anything having to do with knitting!

From private feedback left to my Immaculate Conception post:

God created you and me exactly as we are and loves us as such. Whether we are gay or straight we have a responsibility to use our sexuality within the outlines he's given us - marriage. It's not because God's mean, but because he loves us and wants to protect us from getting hurt.

Hmmm. Well. I can't get married. It's not legal. And my Church says no. So what now? Celibacy for the rest of my life so God can protect me- that would hurt.

Hey kids!

I SO did not want to get out of bed this morning. When my alarm went off, it was so dark outside, so warm in my bed, and I could hear the rain and wind outside. The first paragraph of my morning pages focused on the weather and how it is the perfect day to stay at home, under the Christmas lights, knitting, and watching Anne of Green Gables. No can do, Mrs. C. So I am here. At work. With my office window open a crack so I can listen to and smell the rain. (and apparently to listen to profanity from passers by! I can't get over the words people will shout on the street. Sure, I use those same words, but in the privacy of my own home!)

I have been really interested in hearing from new blog readers. This is a blog with a tiny readership- less than 20 people per day- mostly people I know. So it is interesting to me when people find my blog and leave a comment. It feels good to know that people are reading my words and that they find what I am saying interesting enough to come back. So if you have left a message recently- Bella and Lisa in particular- thanks!

I am reading She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan. I saw JFB at a reading a few months ago at a local branch of the Library. So amazing! The book is incredible- honest, funny, touching, and wonderful. JFB is a male to female transexual who just happens to be the co-chair of Colby College's English Department. I know that people think of transgendered people as those who are on Jerry Springer. JFB is high functioning, successful, and regular. I also love that her best friend is Richard Russo whose novel Empire Falls was one of my favorite reads this year. She's Not There is awesome. I love it!

I am making 5 pairs of these for Christmas gifts. I have two pairs done...and two unmatching mittens. I got more yarn tonight and have already knitted and frogged one froggy! I can't make a mitten to match one of the odd ones I aready have.

Off to watch the West Wing cast on Celebrity Poker!

I made it into work today. Anxiety was high as I wrote my morning pages, but I wrote through the anxiety. Not an easy thing to do. I then took my morning routine through baby steps. I didn't feel well, but I got a shower anyway. I still didn't feel well but I brushed my teeth. I did the same thing with each step until I was on my way to work. So here I am. I feel sick to my stomach, fidgity, and anxious but I am here.

I brought my lunch- a low points one. I think I'll take a walk on my lunch- I need the activity points. Or maybe, I will just go to a coffeeshop and spend 45 minutes reading and soothing my battered soul. I feel like I am lost at sea. The waves are battering my boat. I am holding on and trying not to throw up. Very pleasant.

Pray for me.

My morning pages set me on an anxiety nightmare this morning. I woke up, lit the Christmas lights and started in on my morning pages. As I wrote the date, I realized that today is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. That realization set me on a three page purge of feelings about the Church. I don't even know where to begin.

I'll say this...as a Catholic lesbian, I struggle everyday. I have not gone to Mass regularly in a year. I feel rejected. The teachings of the Church about homosexuality feel like personal attacks. When the Pope said that adoption by same sex couples does violence to those children, he broke my heart. I recognize his dignity. I do not feel that he recognizes mine. I don't even know how to begin to heal from this pain. I don't know how to reconcile myself- my faith in a loving God, an ever-present Virgin Mother, a Savior who died for me- with the harsh words the Catholic Church uses to describe me. This is who I am. And they are hurting me.

After I stopped writing, I called out of work sick, crawled in bed with Michelle, cried hysterically, and had a panic attack. I can't go on like this. I need to find some peace with the Church. I need to move forward. I am stuck. I do not know where to go.

Every Sunday night, I kiss Michelle good night and say "thanks for a good weekend." Even on the not so good ones, I say this because I know that the weekend could have been worse. This weekend, she will be getting a really big kiss. Giggles!

Today is Michelle's birthday. I gave her a digital camera- a gift that I will certainly use as well! We went to the Ritz Carlton for afternoon tea today. So yummy. I bought a dress for a friend's wedding and my parents' wedding anniversary celebration: here it is. I LOVE IT!

I am off to knit, watch The Last Unicorn with Michelle and enjoy the last of this weekend.

For the second year in a row, Michelle and I have woken the day after our anniversary to find that it is snowing. Michelle says it is because we are magic. I like thinking that!

We had a great dinner last night. We went to DiBruno Brothers in Rittenhouse Square and used a gift certificate Michelle's parents gave me last Christmas- crab ravioli, tomato cream sauce with shrimp, fresh italian bread, red roasted peppers, mozzerella. YUM! We also got desserts from a Patisserie on 18th Street. Chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate! I have no idea how many points it was worth but the good news is that I stopped when I was full. I am just considering that my flex points are gone for the week. I should be okay if I earn and use activity points this weekend. I'll need to work out with a video so I can eat birthday cake for Michelle and my boy Michael tomorrow night.

I was planning on walking up to Rosie's on my lunch to get more yarn for froggie mittens but the snow is very wet and messy. I don't know. I'll decide when it gets closer. I like snow. I like walking. I love buying yarn! I have my cd walkman with me so I could walk in the snow listening to Christmas music, on the way to buy yarn. It doesn't get much better than that! We'll see.

Tonight is a quiet night for us. Tomorrow, we may do some Christmas shopping with Michael, then we are having folks over for a little birthday gathering for Michelle and Michael. So fun!

Happy Snow Day!

That's what I lost this week for a total of 3.4. Not too shabby. The weight loss for this week is a little misleading though. I usually go for my weigh in and meeting at 5:15 on Wednesdays. I have a 5:00 meeting at work tonight so I went to a 7:30 AM weigh in and meeting- before having eaten anything. SO, at least a pound of that weight loss (maybe all of it) is simply a result of getting weighed in before eating anything. This just means I will have to work extra hard this week to see a weight loss next week if I go back to the 5:15 meeting, which I think I will. I liked the meeting this morning though so it is good to know that I have a viable alternative.

Things have been crazy. I took a day off on Monday, planned for a few weeks, not called out sick. I spent the day doing domestic things: food shopping, dusting the bedroom, changing the sheets. I also watched repeats of Dawsons Creek, thought alot about it being World AIDS Day, and knitted. The weekend was busy so I was glad for some time to rest on Monday before jumping back in at work.

The first week in December is always a very festive one in our house. We always decorate right after Thanksgiving so we are in full holiday splendor. The 5 year anniversary of the day Michelle and I started dating is on Thursday. We'll be staying home, celebrating with a nice dinner, Christmas lights, and some of our favorite cds. Michelle's birthday is on Sunday. I need to call some friends to get together on Saturday night. Michelle and I will be going to the Four Seasons for tea on Sunday- something we have been wanting to do for a year and a half- since the first time we went. Her gift is bought. Just need to wrap it and pick out cards. It is a good one folks, so look out on Michelle's blog because I am sure she will be blogging about it!

Happy Wednesday. We're almost over the hump!