Monday, June 16, 2003
I have been having morning anxiety nearly every day. It is starting to make me a little loony!
There are very obvious causes that I can link the anxiety to: moving to a new apartment in 6 days, being in week 4 of a new job, anticipation of lowering my Paxil dose. I have done okay in terms of anxiety management. I have been able to get going each morning and get out of the house. Once I am walking to work, the anxiety is behind me and I am looking forward to the day. It is tough though to step into the shower each morning with the same sinking feeling in my tummy and a racing heartbeat.
I am so glad that I took the Fall to learn as much about anxiety as I did. I guess I did not have much choice. I was barely functioning day to day. The medicine and therapy were a necessity. But the Encourage Board and the reading I did (both in books and online) gave me long term tools that have been helping me on this shaky mornings. I can hardly believe I got through the intensity of attacks that I had in the Fall. It is only on looking back that I realize how rocky things were. There were days when I absolutely thought I was going crazy, losing my mind. I thought everyone on the street could see the insanity that was growing in me, the strangeness that was my emotions, the lack of control I had over my body, my emotions, my reactions.
I have not had an actual attack in a few months. I get anxious now and then- nearly every morning, and sometimes when I am completely overwhelmed- like when I am very sweaty or have just finished rushing in from somewhere. I know I need to take it slow and that my body can be unpredictable. It is frustrating sometimes though to have to think about these things.
I really feel that my anxiety allowed me to recognize my own needs in terms of making myself feel safe and comfortable. I know now that I can not stay inside my apartment to feel safe. I do allow myself though to do things that make me feel good. I take baths often- less often than I did before but still at least once a week. I read nearly every day (currently I am reading The Dive from Clausen's Pier and am in love with the characters, the view into the main character's thoughts and emotions). And I knit. I have been knitting alot. I am working on two baby afgans for friends due in July. The repetitive nature of knitting is bliss for me. It requires just enough concentration that I can't worry when I am knitting. It is also simple enough that I can watch tv, a movie or listen to music and really enjoy it while keeping my hands busy. I love it!
I am off to knit and watch Forrest Gump.
There are very obvious causes that I can link the anxiety to: moving to a new apartment in 6 days, being in week 4 of a new job, anticipation of lowering my Paxil dose. I have done okay in terms of anxiety management. I have been able to get going each morning and get out of the house. Once I am walking to work, the anxiety is behind me and I am looking forward to the day. It is tough though to step into the shower each morning with the same sinking feeling in my tummy and a racing heartbeat.
I am so glad that I took the Fall to learn as much about anxiety as I did. I guess I did not have much choice. I was barely functioning day to day. The medicine and therapy were a necessity. But the Encourage Board and the reading I did (both in books and online) gave me long term tools that have been helping me on this shaky mornings. I can hardly believe I got through the intensity of attacks that I had in the Fall. It is only on looking back that I realize how rocky things were. There were days when I absolutely thought I was going crazy, losing my mind. I thought everyone on the street could see the insanity that was growing in me, the strangeness that was my emotions, the lack of control I had over my body, my emotions, my reactions.
I have not had an actual attack in a few months. I get anxious now and then- nearly every morning, and sometimes when I am completely overwhelmed- like when I am very sweaty or have just finished rushing in from somewhere. I know I need to take it slow and that my body can be unpredictable. It is frustrating sometimes though to have to think about these things.
I really feel that my anxiety allowed me to recognize my own needs in terms of making myself feel safe and comfortable. I know now that I can not stay inside my apartment to feel safe. I do allow myself though to do things that make me feel good. I take baths often- less often than I did before but still at least once a week. I read nearly every day (currently I am reading The Dive from Clausen's Pier and am in love with the characters, the view into the main character's thoughts and emotions). And I knit. I have been knitting alot. I am working on two baby afgans for friends due in July. The repetitive nature of knitting is bliss for me. It requires just enough concentration that I can't worry when I am knitting. It is also simple enough that I can watch tv, a movie or listen to music and really enjoy it while keeping my hands busy. I love it!
I am off to knit and watch Forrest Gump.
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