Rainbow Chills

How is it possible that I can travel to Washington DC overnight with a coworker I do not know well and be fine but then I get home last night and break down in tears in bed because I am overwhelmed by anxiety. How can I sit in two days of training in a different city and be fine but I struggled to get through a two hour meeting today with a room full of people I see everyday? I do not understand my anxiety. I sometimes feel that I am controlled by my panic. I know that I am the boss of my body, of my reaction, of the way I respond to my feelings. I did manage to go to sleep last night without having a panic attack and without xanax. I made it through the meeting today using positive self talk and a modified form of progressive muscle relaxation. I suppose I should be proud of that. I am not.

I feel tense. I have 25 minutes left of the work day and all I can think of is going home. I want to stretch out on the couch. I want to eat dinner. And then I want to go to the shelter and pick out a new kitty friend. I want someone in my life who will love me but not ask any questions. I want someone in my life who will snuggle with me and only want snuggling in return. I want a little baby who needs me more than I need her. I miss my Lulu and I want a new friend. I called the shelter. They have girl kitties. They are open until 7:00 tonight. I want to go there right after work. I do not want to pass go. Do not collect $200. Just go get a baby girl kitty to play with, to tease, to love, to feed and care for, to greet every morning and she winds between my ankles waiting for me to feed her.

I feel sad today. I do not want to take xanax. I do not want to be afraid.