Thursday, August 21, 2003
Knitting news: Finished the chicKami! Hooray! I knitted on the train all the way down to DC and all the way back. And then I stayed home from work today- a combination of anxiety and anxiety-related tummy issues- I knitted all the live-long day. The cami fits great. The stripes look super cute and the wet finished product is on the ironing board taking shape as I type away.
I started right into swatching for the Cleo. My gauge is bizarre. After the crazy gauge issues with the chicKami I have decided to just adjust the number of stitches according to the gauge I am getting with the recommended size needles. The pattern calls for size 9 needles, 4 stitches to the inch. I am getting 5. I tried switching to larger needles but the weave is going to be too loose. This top throws modesty to the wind as it is. No need to be giving everyone a peep show as well. When I bought the yarn at my local yarn store (LYS), I opted for a hand dyed yarn that I thought would give the correct gauge with a single strand rather than double. I have gone to my LYS with double strand patterns a few times and each times they show me great yarns that will give me the gauge with a single strand. Perhaps I should start following pattern recommendations more closely and I would have fewer issues. Doubt it!
Re: yesterday's post- sorry for the drama. The post does not communicate a tenth of what my night actually was like. I wound up in hysterics about my anxiety, feeling like I am moving backwards instead of forwards in terms of medicine, and just generally being frustrated. The feelings of wanting a kitten are a tangible way for me to express my not being able to get what I want. The kitty thing is important to me. More important is being able to handle my anxiety. Right now, I don't feel as though either is happening. It is so frustrating.
My anxiety is in a major flare up... maybe it is hormones, maybe it is just anxiety rearing its unpredictable head. Each time I think I have this thing under management, it shows me who is boss. I know I just need to keep plugging along. Sometimes, like yesterday, it just wears me down and I feel like it is more than I can handle. I took a whole xanax last night- more than I have taken in one day in months- probably since December. Ever since I have weaned from taking xanax every day, I have been nervous about taking more than a half at a time. I don't want to be back where I was- taking more than one everyday in addition to my Paxil. My eyes were strangely dilated. I felt like my body was not my own. I prefer having control over my senses, my reactions. I like having reactions.
I started right into swatching for the Cleo. My gauge is bizarre. After the crazy gauge issues with the chicKami I have decided to just adjust the number of stitches according to the gauge I am getting with the recommended size needles. The pattern calls for size 9 needles, 4 stitches to the inch. I am getting 5. I tried switching to larger needles but the weave is going to be too loose. This top throws modesty to the wind as it is. No need to be giving everyone a peep show as well. When I bought the yarn at my local yarn store (LYS), I opted for a hand dyed yarn that I thought would give the correct gauge with a single strand rather than double. I have gone to my LYS with double strand patterns a few times and each times they show me great yarns that will give me the gauge with a single strand. Perhaps I should start following pattern recommendations more closely and I would have fewer issues. Doubt it!
Re: yesterday's post- sorry for the drama. The post does not communicate a tenth of what my night actually was like. I wound up in hysterics about my anxiety, feeling like I am moving backwards instead of forwards in terms of medicine, and just generally being frustrated. The feelings of wanting a kitten are a tangible way for me to express my not being able to get what I want. The kitty thing is important to me. More important is being able to handle my anxiety. Right now, I don't feel as though either is happening. It is so frustrating.
My anxiety is in a major flare up... maybe it is hormones, maybe it is just anxiety rearing its unpredictable head. Each time I think I have this thing under management, it shows me who is boss. I know I just need to keep plugging along. Sometimes, like yesterday, it just wears me down and I feel like it is more than I can handle. I took a whole xanax last night- more than I have taken in one day in months- probably since December. Ever since I have weaned from taking xanax every day, I have been nervous about taking more than a half at a time. I don't want to be back where I was- taking more than one everyday in addition to my Paxil. My eyes were strangely dilated. I felt like my body was not my own. I prefer having control over my senses, my reactions. I like having reactions.
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