Tuesday, October 28, 2003
I want to go home
I feel crummy today. I am not sure if I am just tired but I suspect that my feeling comes from a combination of two things:
1) I have started the 12 week process of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. I received the book in the mail yesterday. One of the main tasks of the process is writing morning pages. The idea is to wake up 30 minutes early each day and write out long hand at least three pages. Pioneer Melissa started a Yahoo group for support and I am about 2 weeks behind the rest of the group. When I was reading through the messages and through the book itself, I was surprised at the idea that people were facing negativity in their morning pages. I figured that it would be different for me and that I would mostly just be writing mundane things.
Well, I got out of bed early this morning, grabbed the journal that I have not used in 6 months, curled up on the couch in my robe and glasses and just started writing. No one is supposed to read the pages (I am not even supposed to reread them). Let me say though that a whole load of negative stuff came spilling out. I could not believe it. I did not even know I was thinking these things. It felt good for the writing to just come and to purge myself of these emotions but that's alot at 6:30 on a Tuesday morning. Once my hand was moving, the thoughts just kept coming and my hand could not write fast enough. The bad feelings and doubt just poured on out as fast as my fingers could move.
2)I am on day two of a new medicine routine. I went to the psychiatrist last week for my quarterly visit and we decided that I was going to have to increase the dosage of my medicine. My anxiety has been a daily struggle in a way that it was not when I was on 37.5 mg per day of the Paxil. When the doc suggested upping the dose, I shuddered at the thoughts of the increased side effects. Sometimes these meds have unintended results and there is one in particular that I have been struggling with. The thoughts of going back to a higher dose, with a higher incidence of side effects just does not appeal to me. So I am coming off of Paxil- today is day 2 of 7 on the 12.5 mg dose and I am simultaneously going on Lexapro- today is day 2 of the 10 mg dose. Lexapro is primarily used for OCD but has been successful in treating anxiety although not necessarily panic. If my anxiety is under control, panic should not be too much of an issue though- plus I still have my Xanax.
I am wondering if my mood today is a result of the new meds. I feel sad, distracted, moody, unmotivated. My concentration is poor. My motivation is poor. The doc always asks about these two things when I go for my check ups. I know that changing meds is going to take work. This is a tough time though. I am working late every night this week. We have a million students in the office- good for providing support, bad for this girl's nerves.
I need to be at my best. I am in charge of a big event next week and I am procrastinating big time. Perfectionism is biting at me- I don't have time to do it perfectly right now so I won't do it at all. I hate making mistakes. I HATE IT. I know no one likes to make mistakes but my fear of them is so great that at times, it has made it hard to get out of bed, hard to leave the house. People will know when they look at me. They will know I am lazy, stupid, scared. That is what the perfectionist goblins whisper in my ears. The goblins hide when I stay in bed. What mistakes can I make laying on the couch, reading a book, soaking in the tub, watching Dr. Phil? I am safe there. I am also boring. I can't go there. I can't do that again. But every morning, I have to fight the urge to stay at home. To be safe.
I am wishing for a kitty again. Times of high anxiety do this to me. I have been looking at kittens online again. Morris Animal Refuge, PSPCA, Kitty Cottage, Petfinder.com. Figuring out that we could go on Friday night before we go to the Halloween Party or on Saturday morning and then we would have the rest of the weekend. Michelle is sick. She's feeling worse than ever. I can't add a cat to the mix. She already has chest pains. Allergies should not be added to the mix.
Oh, help.
1) I have started the 12 week process of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. I received the book in the mail yesterday. One of the main tasks of the process is writing morning pages. The idea is to wake up 30 minutes early each day and write out long hand at least three pages. Pioneer Melissa started a Yahoo group for support and I am about 2 weeks behind the rest of the group. When I was reading through the messages and through the book itself, I was surprised at the idea that people were facing negativity in their morning pages. I figured that it would be different for me and that I would mostly just be writing mundane things.
Well, I got out of bed early this morning, grabbed the journal that I have not used in 6 months, curled up on the couch in my robe and glasses and just started writing. No one is supposed to read the pages (I am not even supposed to reread them). Let me say though that a whole load of negative stuff came spilling out. I could not believe it. I did not even know I was thinking these things. It felt good for the writing to just come and to purge myself of these emotions but that's alot at 6:30 on a Tuesday morning. Once my hand was moving, the thoughts just kept coming and my hand could not write fast enough. The bad feelings and doubt just poured on out as fast as my fingers could move.
2)I am on day two of a new medicine routine. I went to the psychiatrist last week for my quarterly visit and we decided that I was going to have to increase the dosage of my medicine. My anxiety has been a daily struggle in a way that it was not when I was on 37.5 mg per day of the Paxil. When the doc suggested upping the dose, I shuddered at the thoughts of the increased side effects. Sometimes these meds have unintended results and there is one in particular that I have been struggling with. The thoughts of going back to a higher dose, with a higher incidence of side effects just does not appeal to me. So I am coming off of Paxil- today is day 2 of 7 on the 12.5 mg dose and I am simultaneously going on Lexapro- today is day 2 of the 10 mg dose. Lexapro is primarily used for OCD but has been successful in treating anxiety although not necessarily panic. If my anxiety is under control, panic should not be too much of an issue though- plus I still have my Xanax.
I am wondering if my mood today is a result of the new meds. I feel sad, distracted, moody, unmotivated. My concentration is poor. My motivation is poor. The doc always asks about these two things when I go for my check ups. I know that changing meds is going to take work. This is a tough time though. I am working late every night this week. We have a million students in the office- good for providing support, bad for this girl's nerves.
I need to be at my best. I am in charge of a big event next week and I am procrastinating big time. Perfectionism is biting at me- I don't have time to do it perfectly right now so I won't do it at all. I hate making mistakes. I HATE IT. I know no one likes to make mistakes but my fear of them is so great that at times, it has made it hard to get out of bed, hard to leave the house. People will know when they look at me. They will know I am lazy, stupid, scared. That is what the perfectionist goblins whisper in my ears. The goblins hide when I stay in bed. What mistakes can I make laying on the couch, reading a book, soaking in the tub, watching Dr. Phil? I am safe there. I am also boring. I can't go there. I can't do that again. But every morning, I have to fight the urge to stay at home. To be safe.
I am wishing for a kitty again. Times of high anxiety do this to me. I have been looking at kittens online again. Morris Animal Refuge, PSPCA, Kitty Cottage, Petfinder.com. Figuring out that we could go on Friday night before we go to the Halloween Party or on Saturday morning and then we would have the rest of the weekend. Michelle is sick. She's feeling worse than ever. I can't add a cat to the mix. She already has chest pains. Allergies should not be added to the mix.
Oh, help.
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