Rainbow Chills

My morning pages set me on an anxiety nightmare this morning. I woke up, lit the Christmas lights and started in on my morning pages. As I wrote the date, I realized that today is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. That realization set me on a three page purge of feelings about the Church. I don't even know where to begin.

I'll say this...as a Catholic lesbian, I struggle everyday. I have not gone to Mass regularly in a year. I feel rejected. The teachings of the Church about homosexuality feel like personal attacks. When the Pope said that adoption by same sex couples does violence to those children, he broke my heart. I recognize his dignity. I do not feel that he recognizes mine. I don't even know how to begin to heal from this pain. I don't know how to reconcile myself- my faith in a loving God, an ever-present Virgin Mother, a Savior who died for me- with the harsh words the Catholic Church uses to describe me. This is who I am. And they are hurting me.

After I stopped writing, I called out of work sick, crawled in bed with Michelle, cried hysterically, and had a panic attack. I can't go on like this. I need to find some peace with the Church. I need to move forward. I am stuck. I do not know where to go.