Rainbow Chills

I had forgotten that Mischief Night even existed until I was walking to to work this morning and saw that the new Starbucks at Broad and Pine got egged last night. Now, there is nothing out of the ordinary about this Starbucks being targeted. I know there has been at least one incidence of graffiti already. Anyhoo, as soon as I saw the egg remnants I remembered Mischief Night- the night before Halloween when neighborhood kids act like the hoodlums they are and destroy things. I think I was in 7th and 8th grade when me and my two best friends, Angie and Shelly got egged on the way from Shelly's house to my house. (Interesting to note that the three of us were all born on May 19, 1978 and lived on the same street, across 4 blocks.) It was just after dinner so it was dark out and all of a sudden, eggs were coming from every side. It was less than thrilling.

Halloween is a silly little holiday to me. I love Garfield's Halloween Adventure, The Great Pumpkin, and a great 80s movie called The Worst Witch starring Tim Curry, Fairuza Balk, and Mrs. Garrett from the Facts of Life as set of good/ evil twins! Michelle, Michael and I are planning on going to the annual Halloween Ball thrown by Henri David at the Wyndam Frankling Plaza. I told Michelle this morning that we should forget the costumes and just go as ourselves- we can be the walking wounded. I have been having nightly panic attacks around 10 PM, Michelle is having major trouble with her symptoms, and Michael is on chemotherapy medicine to treat his Chrone's disease and is still recovering from pneumonia. Why do we think it is a good idea to spend $20 each for cash bar when none of us can actually drink and we are exhausted. I really enjoyed going the last time we went (5 years ago), but I wonder if it would not be just as fun to go give out candy at Michael's house in East Falls and watch the Halloween specials I noted above.

Oh, heck, I don't know.

Happy Halloween anyway!

Argh.

On a good note, one of my favorite bloggers, Dooce, is enjoying one of Michelle's favorite bloggers, Toby from Vivid Blurry. This whole blogging thing is funny- I am interested in connections between bloggers I enjoy. Why- I have no friggin idea. But I got a little giggle this morning when I saw that Dooce listed Toby's Brittany Watch 2003 as what she is currently enjoying on her sidebar.

On another positive note, Michelle and I are going back to Weight Watchers next week. I need to. Michelle has been able to continue to lose weight over the past year and a half since we stopped going to meetings. Me, not so much. I have gained 10 lbs since we stopped going- and I had not reached a healthy weight when we stopped. I hate it. I need to lose about 25 lbs to be comfortably in the weight range for my height. I feel fat.

I am bored with my knitting. I am working on a baby blanket all in garter stitch with acrylic yarn I bought back in the Spring. This is the yarn from the Very Boring Blanket, affectionately known as the VBB. The yarn is boring, the new pattern, nearly as boring as the VBB pattern. Not good. I am low on yarn though. I have some left overs from past projects and I should be more creative with it. Lots of knitters have a stash. I do not. When I want to make something, I find a pattern, go to the yarn store, buy the amount of yarn needed and that's it. I have a few leftovers from projects I have done. No big yarn stash for me. It all fits into a large canvas tote bag- patterns, yarn, needles, and tools (tape measure, stitch markers, yarn needles, etc).

Did you notice that my buttons on the sidebar are appearing? I finally figured out what I was doing wrong- months later. Better late than never, I guess.

I have signed up for the craziest thing- NaNoWriMo- the long version- National Novel Writing Month. During the month of November (read- starting this Saturday) I will be writing 50,000 words. Yep, that's right. 50,000 words in 30 days. Crazy- yep. I have a few ideas in my head. But I don't know if I will do any real outlining tomorrow and Friday. I don't have much time. I will simply be jumping in with both feet on Saturday and attempting to write about 2000 words a day- 10 pages or so. I have no idea how this is going to work. The worst that will happen is that I will be writing. That's it. There really will be no negative consequences.

I am so tired. I just cried when I got home from work today. My days have been so crazy. I have been meeting with an average of 5 students a day this week. Along with that, I am planning an event for next week, prepping a mailing, maintaining a student database, blah, blah, blah.

I took half a xanax before dinner and I settled a little. I will be glad when I am not feeling so crazy.

I feel crummy today. I am not sure if I am just tired but I suspect that my feeling comes from a combination of two things:

1) I have started the 12 week process of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. I received the book in the mail yesterday. One of the main tasks of the process is writing morning pages. The idea is to wake up 30 minutes early each day and write out long hand at least three pages. Pioneer Melissa started a Yahoo group for support and I am about 2 weeks behind the rest of the group. When I was reading through the messages and through the book itself, I was surprised at the idea that people were facing negativity in their morning pages. I figured that it would be different for me and that I would mostly just be writing mundane things.

Well, I got out of bed early this morning, grabbed the journal that I have not used in 6 months, curled up on the couch in my robe and glasses and just started writing. No one is supposed to read the pages (I am not even supposed to reread them). Let me say though that a whole load of negative stuff came spilling out. I could not believe it. I did not even know I was thinking these things. It felt good for the writing to just come and to purge myself of these emotions but that's alot at 6:30 on a Tuesday morning. Once my hand was moving, the thoughts just kept coming and my hand could not write fast enough. The bad feelings and doubt just poured on out as fast as my fingers could move.

2)I am on day two of a new medicine routine. I went to the psychiatrist last week for my quarterly visit and we decided that I was going to have to increase the dosage of my medicine. My anxiety has been a daily struggle in a way that it was not when I was on 37.5 mg per day of the Paxil. When the doc suggested upping the dose, I shuddered at the thoughts of the increased side effects. Sometimes these meds have unintended results and there is one in particular that I have been struggling with. The thoughts of going back to a higher dose, with a higher incidence of side effects just does not appeal to me. So I am coming off of Paxil- today is day 2 of 7 on the 12.5 mg dose and I am simultaneously going on Lexapro- today is day 2 of the 10 mg dose. Lexapro is primarily used for OCD but has been successful in treating anxiety although not necessarily panic. If my anxiety is under control, panic should not be too much of an issue though- plus I still have my Xanax.

I am wondering if my mood today is a result of the new meds. I feel sad, distracted, moody, unmotivated. My concentration is poor. My motivation is poor. The doc always asks about these two things when I go for my check ups. I know that changing meds is going to take work. This is a tough time though. I am working late every night this week. We have a million students in the office- good for providing support, bad for this girl's nerves.

I need to be at my best. I am in charge of a big event next week and I am procrastinating big time. Perfectionism is biting at me- I don't have time to do it perfectly right now so I won't do it at all. I hate making mistakes. I HATE IT. I know no one likes to make mistakes but my fear of them is so great that at times, it has made it hard to get out of bed, hard to leave the house. People will know when they look at me. They will know I am lazy, stupid, scared. That is what the perfectionist goblins whisper in my ears. The goblins hide when I stay in bed. What mistakes can I make laying on the couch, reading a book, soaking in the tub, watching Dr. Phil? I am safe there. I am also boring. I can't go there. I can't do that again. But every morning, I have to fight the urge to stay at home. To be safe.

I am wishing for a kitty again. Times of high anxiety do this to me. I have been looking at kittens online again. Morris Animal Refuge, PSPCA, Kitty Cottage, Petfinder.com. Figuring out that we could go on Friday night before we go to the Halloween Party or on Saturday morning and then we would have the rest of the weekend. Michelle is sick. She's feeling worse than ever. I can't add a cat to the mix. She already has chest pains. Allergies should not be added to the mix.

Oh, help.

Evidently Mandy Moore has redone Elton John's Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters. I have to hear this.

Daylight savings time f*cks me up every friggin year. I am so confused, I don't even know what end is up. Michelle seriously makes fun of me for this but I just can not handle the time change. My mom is the same way. Strange but true.

I was away for the weekend with work. Three days in the Poconos on a leadership retreat. Our students are economically and educationally disadvantaged- I work for a grant program within the College that serves this population of students. They are also not traditional aged students. We had an 18 year old on the trip and a great grandmother. It was a great experience. The work we put into the event totally paid off. The students had a wonderful time and left with a feeling of camaraderie and positivity. I hope that they are able to look back on the experience as an invigorating one.

I am tired as hell though. Everyone in the office is totally beat. It is raining here so I think people are a little sluggish because of the weather as well. What a way to start the week.

I did crazy amounts of knitting on the trip. I finished a Christmas gift (except for felting) for a special person who reads this blog (hint- it is not Michelle). One down, a bunch to go. I also knitted two pumpkin hats from the Ann Norling fruit cap pattern- well worth the $3.50. I worked a little on the mate to Suz's sock but I am liking sock knitting less than I expected to. Lots more Christmas knitting to do. I get paid on Friday and I need to stock up on supplies.

Wishing I had an Elton John CD with me- really wanting to hear Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters.

Cheers.

Introvert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging

The introvert/ extrovert breakdown was 51/49. I have always considered myself to be an extrovert though.

I can not focus. I have been a spaz for two days. Work has been brutal. Severe issues with productivity. Read: I have not done a blessed thing.

Went to the neurologist with Michelle. Her Orthostatic Hypotension is a valid diagnosis but there does not seem to be a neurological basis for it. Sweet relief. The results of the holter monitor will be ready sometime next week. We'll know then about the inappropriate sinus tachycardia.

Going away for the weekend with work. Leadership Retreat for the students in the Poconos. Lots of time and effort has gone into it and everyone in the office is buzzing with last minute prep. I wish I were at home sleeping.

Happy Friday.

That's how I feel today. I was sort of excited about the cold front that hit us here in Philadelphia, but it is rainy and gray as well. Yuck. I am in comfortable clothes at work- cords and a sweater- but I can't help wishing I was at home, knitting, and watching Little Women.

Michelle is getting her holter monitor today. She will wear it for 48 hours. How wrong is it that I am thinking about ways to startle her just so that the technicians will wonder why her heart rate spiked, never knowing that it was because I pinched her butt while she was cooking dinner? Okay, fine, I should be more creative than that, but it's gross out and I am cranky.

I am going on a trip for work this weekend- a student leadership retreat. I have put a good deal of effort into this event and expect that it will go well. I can't help feeling though that I wish I could just stay home. I will be happy in mid-November when I am done with work related travel for a few months.

My wheels are totally turning about holiday related knitting projects. I think I will have enough time to finish the projects that I want to do. I am thinking about picking up some yarn today for one of the projects so that I can take it with me this weekend. I will be spending a good amount of time on a bus- 4 hours of knitting time, plus the four workshops I will be sitting through that I neither am giving nor am I the intended audience. I am hoping I can get away with knitting while listening. It is hard for me to sit still and listen without doing something else.

Flylady is starting to prepare for the holidays just in time for me to start getting into the spirit. When I was a little girl, my Mom made a rule that we could start listening to Christmas music, watching Christmas videos, etc on November 1. She regrets this now because my sisters and brother and I have turned out to be so holiday-crazy that we count down to that day. My sister Cathy calls me every year on November 1 and plays Bing Crosby "Round and Round the Christmas Tree" on my answering machine. The real kicker for us as kids was that November 1 is All Saints Day and being Catholic School students, we always had the day off. My poor Mother. The four of us drive the poor woman absolutely insane. She usually starts listening to Christmas music around mid-November, earlier than most people but later than her children, the lunatics!

Anyhoo, Flylady is starting to send messages, missions, and reminders to prepare for the holidays. Michelle and I both love the holiday season and tend to be a little more organized about it than most people. We usually start our handmade Christmas cards a little before Thanksgiving. We buy paper, rubber stamps, embossing powder, holiday address labels, and whatever holiday stamp the post office releases. We bake dozens of cookies in mid-December for our families, friends, and coworkers. I have already made a list of what I am giving to my parents, siblings, godmother, grandmother, nephew, and the daughters of my cousin Julie who are sort of like nieces but not really. I have been compiling my list for Michelle for months. The trick is I have to figure out what to give her for her birthday (12/7), our anniversary (12/4), and Christmas. If I remember correctly we did not do gifts last year for our anniversary. We just went out to dinner. This is the anniversary of when we started dating, not of our commitment ceremony so I think we are just celebrating with dinner these days. Oh, Lord, I can't remember!

Only two more weeks until the holiday planning and preparing begins in full swing!

I am an avid reader. I have always been. I remember the day in 3rd grade when I got Kristy's Great Idea, the first book in the Baby Sitter's Club series. I remember my aunts and uncles reading to me from the Nursery Rhyme book at my Gram and Pop's house when I was too young to read myself. I remember one day my Aunt Patty told me that she only knew what I looked like from the nose up because the rest of my face was always hidden by a book.

Along with that love of reading is a dream of writing. I don't know what to write but I want to write. I have journals, mostly from college. I have letters galore from high school and college. I have more papers from college and grad school than I care to count. I have not tried my hand at fiction in any significant way. I am afraid of poetry. But I am willing to try.

Yesterday, I bought The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron on eBay. It is the 1992 version, not the new one. And it is used. But I bought the cheapest one I could find online- less than $10 with shipping and insurance. The first steps toward a dream do not have to cost millions. The investment of time seems more valuable. Pioneer Melissa started on this journey last week. By the time I get the book and get going, I will be two weeks behind Melissa and the little support group she has organized but it is good to know that I am not alone. Rachael and Greta have worked through this book and it will be good to have their writing to read as well while working through it.

Wish me luck.

May


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So excited.

Anyone who knows me in the real world knows that there is a special little man in my life. My nephew Joshua will be 2 in January. My sister called me and told me she was pregnant 4 days before she told my parents. I was in the room 30 minutes before Josh was born and held him when he was only 30 minutes old. He is gorgeous and funny and sweet. He is also a little wild but such is life with a nearly two year old.

I am excited about a new baby boy who entered the world this week. Theodor was born on October 15 at 9:51 AM, Denmark time. That's right. Denmark. A little over a year ago, I started visiting an online message board to get and give some support for my anxiety disorder. I chatted with folks and have made some really great friends. A little before Christmas, I started instant messaging with one of the girls from the board, Heidi from Denmark. We got close and fast. Heidi shared things with me that she did not share with other people in her life. We sent each other Christmas cards. She sent me a postcard from her vacation on a beach in Africa and I sent her a copy of the book Beaches- Heidi's favorite movie. A few months later, she told me that she thought she was pregnant.

I feel in some ways like I am an aunt of sorts to little Theo. I have been praying for his safe arrival and the health of his mar (mom in Danish) for so many months. Of couse, my relationship with my sister Cathy and my little man Joshie is precious and can not be compared. But, in an odd way, I feel close to baby Theo and I hope I will get to meet him and his Mar, who has become a dear friend, someday.

By the way, the Hoover blanket is for Theo.

Smiles from a very proud friend!

Dooce: Drama

It is phenomenal.

I am reading The Lilac Bus by Maeve Binchy. I love to read her books. It takes me about 2 pages to get into one of her stories, to feel relaxed, to get invested in the characters. I have read Circle of Friends, Scarlet Feather, Return Journey, Tara Road, and Quentins. I loved each and every one. I am going to the book store today to pick up our book club book for this weekend and I am planning on browsing some knitting books while I am there. A girl can dream, can't she!

I forgot to blog about Michelle's 30 seconds of actually considering getting a kitten. And I mean there was real consideration there. The Animal Welfare Society had a vehicle full of kittens and pups (in cages of course) at OutFest this past Sunday. Michelle rolled her eyes but did not stop me from going in to look. I immediately went into my high-pitched baby and baby animal voice. There were so many kittens- at least a dozen. There were quite a few grey and white ones that were so cute and frisky and climbing all over one another. And then I saw one- a solid black one with little gray eyes. I had to call Michelle in to see her-she looked just like our baby Lulu who we lost in May. Michelle almost cried when she saw her. As she stood there though she started pointing out a little grey and white one that was hanging onto the front of the cage with three paws and waving one out at me with the other. I think that if we had not been going to my sister's for dinner that night, I might have a baby kitty at home right now. Sad but true.

The other day on the way home from work, I had myself convinced that when I got home, Michelle was going to surprise me with a kitten. Now, I know the girl is sick. She is blacking out and nearly fainting several times a day. I still told myself that it was within the realm of possibility that she had walked over to Morris Animal Refuge and picked out a kitty to be our little friend. Am I a selfish bitch or what!
We are going to have Mich's dad's car this weekend. We are driving out to Linvilla Orchard for our annual pumpkin selecting excursion. This is also my annual stuff-my-face-with-apple-fritters excursion but that somehow makes is sound less fun! Who knows. Maybe on Friday night or Saturday, we pick out a little black kitty to go with that pumpkin. There's always hope.

Michelle just called me. Chest CT- done. The results will go to her doctors- primary care and the cardiologist she saw last week. Mich will follow up with the cardiologist on Friday and hopefully they will tell us that the mass behind her heart is indeed her stomach. I spent a little time today online researching the underlying conditions that cause orthostatic hypotension. I shouldn't have done that. Just pray she does not have Shy Drager's disease. Pray as much as you can.

Going to dinner at the New Deck with Michael tonight. Before I quit my previous job, Michael and I were to the point of eating lunch at the New Deck once a week. We love their chicken fingers and fries. Michael has Crohn's disease. He does not talk about it much on his blog- when he actually does blog. But I am glad I am going out with him tonight. In addition to wanting to spend time with a good friend, I need to talk to someone with a chronic condition. I want to prepare myself just in case whatever Michelle has does not go away. I am scared.

Looking forward to watching Ed tonight. I love those crazy Stuckeyville folks. I need their levity in my life.

Thinking about sweater knitting projects. I made three tank tops this summer and made a baby sweater a few weeks ago. I am thinking about making myself a sweater though. Maybe cables. I think I am up to the challenge!

Marriage Protection Week has got me down. I hate haters.

Michelle is feeling badly. She has a chest ct tomorrow. I can not wrap my head around why they can't tell if the mass behind her heart is her stomach or not. Sounds sketchy to me. Her appointment with the neurologist is next week.

There were protesters at OutFest on Sunday. They made me feel- well, sometimes a feeling is too complex to be described in words. A funny story though...the protesters were led by a "minister" of sorts who was yelling about the "Good Lord." I almost peed when I hear this shout from a guy in the middle of the street, "If you keep your sh*t up, you're going to meet the Good Lord." It made a bad experience giggly!

I am knitting a pumpkin hat for my nephew- from the Fiber Trends Patrick's Pumpkin pattern. I did a gauge swatch and could have sworn I was right on gauge (albeit with needles two sizes bigger than those recommended). Somehow though my gauge is off. Rather than switching to larger needles, I just knitted on more stitches until I got the right measurement. I am frustrated though. And more stitches means the hat is taking longer than I wanted. Grrr.

Wha! Wha! Someone call the Wham-bulance!

Michelle has a diagnosis. Orthostatic Hypotension- in lay persons terms- her blood pressure drops when she stands up. Seriously.

So she needs to have some additional tests done to make sure they are not missing anything- this does not usually occur in healthy young women. It is usually a side of effect of things such as Parkinsons or Alcoholism. Weird. She has to ADD salt to her diet and take some meds that will help her retain salt. Again, weird. And she has to have a chest CT because there is a mass behind her heart that may or may not be her stomach. BIZARRE!

But she is relieved to have a diagnosis. And glad to have proof that there really is something wrong. I think she was beginning to feel like she was going crazy!

I am relieved to be able to put a name to what she has been experiencing. There is definintely follow up to be done- she needs to schedule tests with her primary care doc and they want her to see a neurologist. But having a name is comforting in a weird way.

Most of this post is copied from an email I just sent our friend Michael, so Hoob, if you are reading this, don't start commenting about how you have heard this all before. I don't care. Heehee.

Hey folks,

Anxiety is somewhat managed after a dreadfully panicky weekend. Thursday, Friday, Sunday, and Monday all registered a significant number on the panic scale. Stayed home from work on Monday all together and took a half day on Friday. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I have spent time reading up on coping techniques this week as a refresher. I have not read about anxiety other than on the message board in nearly a year. Not good for maintaining some influence over the panic. I am realizing slowly but surely that this is a long term condition that is going to require a commitment to educating myself, knowing my body, and recognizing my needs. Sometimes I just feel as though it is too much work and just decide to stay in bed. That's what I did on Monday. I realize though that this is no way to live and will only throw me back into an agoraphobic spiral. I can not go through that again- afraid to leave the house, crying every day, spaced out from high doses of meds.

The Hoover blanket is complete. Just needs to be blocked and sent. Gifts from around the world have been received for a care package I am sending to the expectant mom and baby. I can not wait for the new mom to receive this package full of gifts and wishes. I'll write more after the gift has been received.

I did have a small issue with the Hoover pattern. Only under variation one does the pattern indicate that you must decrease half the stitches in the center block before knitting the last three inches. I made variation three. So I thought I was done the blanket only to find out that I had missed this little step so I had way too many stitches in the final three inches. Argh. My one complaint about Knitty is that their patterns are not printer friendly which I think is key for a web-only publication. I usually cut and paste the pattern into a word document which works pretty well but for some reason, I just missed this step. Oh well, after a little dip in the "frog" pond (rip-it), I was able to reknit those three inches.

Send your thoughts and prayers to Michelle if you have a chance. She has an appointment with the cardiologist tomorrow and was close to going to the ER several times this week. It is scary that we have both verbalized that it would not necessarily be bad news if the cardiologist admitted her to the hospital tomorrow because at least then she would get all the tests she needs and we would not be in this endless waiting game. It is so frustrating. Two months of losing sight and hearing, dizziness, chest pains, shortness of breath, and more is scary. Unfortunately, so many people go undiagnosed and get bounced around our managed care system. I do not think that waiting three weeks to see a cardiologist after seeing a neuro-opthamologist is reasonable. If your symptoms are serious enough to go to a doctor that specializes in anything relating to neurology, you need an appointment sooner than three weeks!

Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Hey kids.

I am back safe and sound from San Diego. I had a much better time than I anticipated. San Diego is a great city with beautiful weather, clean streets, and cute restaurants. I would definitely go back, with Michelle, of course!

Things have been crazy since I got back. I am doing a good amount of knitting- still working on the Hoover blanket but it has to be finished in the next week. The baby is due in the next two weeks and the blanket has a long journey to make to the expectant Mom and baby.

Off to watch the premiere of Saturday Night Life. More blogging soon. I promise!